Share something you wish you had done differently.
I’m almost caught up with the current season of The Office and finally got to see the episodes where Jim and Pam go to the hospital to have their baby.
Am I one of the few women sadistic enough to watch a portrayal of another woman in labor and feel sadness to have not experienced that?
I don’t often feel regret for how I handle the things in my life, mostly because I’m a strong believer that most things happen for a reason. I’m trying really hard not to live in the past either, but instead to live for the present, or even better, the future.
But as hard as I try, and as often as I try and tell myself that I did the best I could, I wish and wish and wish with all my might that I had handled my labor and delivery with Clara better.
I wish I had been better prepared. I wish I had read and researched and then convinced myself that the “safe” period after your water breaks can actually be extended beyond the conservative 24 hour period that the hospitals recommend. I wish I had educated myself enough to know that artificially augmenting my labor wasn’t my only option.
I kick myself for not hearing the OB on call the last time we showed up at the hospital who asked me if I wanted to start the Pitocin, or go back home. I wish I had heard the choice she was giving me and then chose the latter.
I had the contractions and I had the pain of labor, but I never screamed or swore obscenities. I wasn’t that woman. Instead, I wept. And wept and wept.
Maybe I wouldn’t have been that screaming, swearing woman if things had gone differently. Maybe I would have still wept. And at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter because the end result was a healthy baby, placed in my arms. Nothing can take away from those few moments when I saw Clara for the first time. So it doesn’t matter. And I know this. I do.
But it could have been different. I know this now.