True to form, when I found out I was (finally) pregnant, I started a new blog, like I’ve done for so many other chapters in my life. The pregnancy blog was the sequel to the getting pregnant blog, which, I guess in many ways, was part two in the trilogy of blogs which I guess you could say began with the wedding blog, oh-so-many years ago (does this coming Wednesday really mark our 6th wedding anniversary?). And if those three blogs are a trilogy of sorts, then what does this blog become? The coles notes that accompanies all the other blogs? The commentary track on my life in pieces?
This blog serves it’s own purpose in many ways, and has previously been criticized for being negative at times, or overly indulgent, I suppose. I let those comments get to me in the past, and often times, would structure my posts in a way that they could be perceived as my defense to some of the not-so-nice things that were said. When I got engaged, when I was going through fertility treatments, when I got pregnant, I created new blogs so that this blog wouldn’t be taken over by post after post regarding what was consuming me at the moment. Heck, I even created a fitness blog and a knitting blog and a writing blog, and a cooking blog – all things that have been an obsession of mine for any given time. A chain of blogs that was created because what was a current obsession of mine might not be the obession of those reading this blog, and so I wanted to maintain a neutral area with blogs branching off of it so that if people wanted to read about my efforts in knitting, or cooking, or planning a wedding, or getting pregnant, they could go there if they wanted, but not have it shoved in their face everytime they opened my blog.
I only update two blogs these days, this one, and Clara’s blog, that I started when she was no bigger than a poppy seed and still more just a dream than an actual being. On Clara’s blog, there is (or should be 40 gestational posts), one for every week that I was pregnant with her, followed now by a monthly update (I thought I could keep up with the weekly posting but she very quickly let me know that she had other plans for my time). I’ve noticed lately, that there’s a bit of crossover between that blog and this blog (ie where I talk about breast feeding) and the story of her birth was taken directly from this blog but I’m very quickly realizing that there’s things that relate to Clara, to what it’s like being a mother, a very new mother, that don’t belong on her blog because they’re less about her and more about me.
There’s a blog that I’m working on in my head, that I’m writing mentally on the long walks that I take with Clara while she sleeps in her stroller and I’m listening to music, walks that take us up and down the streets of surburbia and along the bike path, a blog post that doesn’t belong on Clara’s blog because it’s more about what being a mother has been like for me, the impact that it’s had on me, how difficult it was at the beginning, how I did in fact struggle with suddenly having this little demanding being that sucked every bit of energy out of every second of every minute of every day; about the bond that didn’t exist between her and I right from the beginning, a bond that society promises but that nature does not always deliver. It’s a blog about the things that I would never say to her until she is much, much older (perhaps as old as I am now, or when she has her own child and she needs to know that what she is going through in those first few days and weeks post partum is normal, that she is not alone). It’s a blog about just how hard being a mother is, how there were days where I wondered if I would or could survive, if I perhaps waited to long to have a baby, when I should have done it when I was much younger and was less impatient, when I had more energy and hadn’t invested a lot of time and energy in a career that I would eventually walk away from for a year (and perhaps longer). And yet, it’s a blog about how I would have drowned if I had done this years ago, when I was still very much a kid myself and unable to take care of my own needs, much less the needs of a baby.
It’s a much longer blog post than I have time for while she naps; a blog post for when she goes to bed at night and sleeps for nine hours (which she did last night).
In the meantime, I might be making some changes to this blog over the next little while, as I debate transferring the entire thing to wordpress (taking all content, photos and comments with me) and in transferring the blog, I may or may not continue calling this blog LocoBellaTuna. I’ve toyed with new names for this blog over the past year or so – East Coast Girl being one (preview it here) and using The Edible Woman (currently my writing blog) as another. I listen to a lot of music, trying to stumble on lines in songs that stand out to me (‘squawking like a pink monkey bird’ being one, but a bit long for a blog title) and a lot of those songs lately, are Beatles songs since that’s the music that’s playing constantly in the house these days (Clara is a fan). The perfect blog name and my favorite Beatles song, A Day in the Life is (of course) not available yet could I really call my blog the Yellow Submarine or I am the Walrus? Octopus’s Garden? With Tay going away at the end of the month and Clara’s bedtime being between 7:30 and 8pm, I SHOULD, in theory, have lots of time to implement any changes to this blog that I want to make – unless of course, I take advantage of the chance to sleep and go to bed as soon as she is. Which is not beyond the realm of possibility, even if it means going to bed when it’s still light out.