Vanity Misconstrued

If you are content with yourself, satisfied with who you are and what you have, happiness is yours.

Since my therapy started, I’ve developed a self-awareness that was never there, a focusing and a centering of my thoughts that’s allowing me to think clearly and see things in a way that I haven’t been able to see before. I’m feeling better about myself than I’ve ever felt myself, better in a way that a new haircut, or dropping twenty pounds or a new jaw has never been able to give me, because those were all external whereas what I’m feeling now is internal.

Speaking the truth, communicating clearly, taking and getting what I need has…cleansed and rejuvenated me in ways I can’t even describe. Despite everything that has happened the past year, despite the challenges of this coming year, I’m content with myself. Honesty is truly a beautiful thing.

I’ve been getting a lot of attention lately, when I’m out on my own or out with girlfriends and it’s not even just from guys in the bar or on the subway. It’s just people in general, talking to me out of the blue, striking up random conversations or just looking at me longer than what feels normal.

I know that it’s comes down to my new self-confidence, and I know that a large part of it is a result of my physical changes in the past few months – the weight loss, the surgery, I’m reconstructing myself with new glasses and haircuts and new clothes that fit better and are showing off my hardwork at the gym, but it’s more than that…I can feel it in the changes that are happening inside of me. It’s the true me finally shining through.

Before all of this, I used to compensate for my insecurities by pretending they didn’t exist or gloss over them in an overexaggerated manner that was conceived by those around me as my being vain. But what so many didn’t understand was that it was all an act, I never believed myself to be what I presented, that I didn’t truly see myself that way.

Vanity misconstrued.

And now, that vanity has dissolved…I’m not projecting it anymore because I don’t need it like I did before. There’s been a definite shift now in how I see myself and as a result how I present myself. I’m no longer pretending to be something I’m not.

For what feels like the first time in my life, I’m being myself. This is me, it’s how I see myself, it’s who I am.

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