Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels*

I feel like I’m running on empty as I sit and write, feel like I’m lost and alone and have lost hold of the important things in my life, my friends, my family, myself.

It’s been a difficult week in that things have been said to me that have hurt like words before never have. A catalyst that I never saw coming, and that I couldn’t have prepared myself for.

Trying to explain myself and not being heard, being told that I’m victimizing myself when I deplore those that are guilty of the same thing.

Hearing from someone that they’re tired, burnt out and have nothing left to give stings and can quickly make the world around you darken.

I could wax poetic about the life that I’ve lived, the decisions I’ve made, the difficulties I’ve faced in the past few months but I’d hate to play the victim and be accused again of doing so. I don’t need affirmation for what I’ve done, I don’t need glory and gratitude. I’ve always done what I’ve done because it’s always what I’ve felt in my heart to be true. It’s who I was, and beneath the jaggedness of everything else that has currently surfaced, it’s who I remain to be.

I look back on the past year or so and can identify patterns of change, things that I’ve done differently that varied from things that I’ve done in the past. I can see clearly where I started to look after myself and value myself more. I can’t describe the challenges of being a person that always wanted to care of others and then to suddenly want to take care of themselves.

And for those changes, I’m more myself then I’ve ever been in my life. This is who I am.

And yet.

How do you respond to the important people in your life who see the bad and not the good? How do you hear words like selfish and superficial, be told that I’m no longer kind and gentle and seem to not care anymore about the little things. How can I listen to things like “It’s the Tawny Show” and not crumble?

I sit and I listen to Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now* and the words ring clear to me. Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels. So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way. If you care, don’t let them know, Don’t give yourself away.

But more than anything, the following:

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I don’t know when I’ll blog again next – I think I need to take a break, decompress, re-evaluate. Convince myself that I’ve not fully become the person that others think that I am.

But for now, the “Tawny Show” is off the air.

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12 Responses to Moons and Junes and Ferris Wheels*

  1. Heather says:

    I won’t pretend to know what you are talking about, though I can imagine. And for what it’s worth, my two cents.I’ve never thought you were a show. Though if you were, I’m so happy to have been a part of it. I’ve always looked at you as a presence to enjoy. One to admire.Change. It’s hard. I can’t say that I’m the same person I was a few years ago. Do I want to be? Yes. No. I don’t even want to imagine a world where people didn’t change.Friends embrace our changes, appreciate our growth, and revel in it with us. You are as kind, generous, friendly, silly, brave, and look as kick ass in jeans as the day I met you.Don’t let anyone question who you are. Don’t let anyone bring you down at a time you are feeling your most beautiful. You love yourself for a reason. Remember that. I read your blog because I love you, your quirky insight and ability to make me laugh with your words. You inspire me at least once a week. Now that I’m moving, I would be sad to not click on my Favorite list, have Locobellatuna dangle off the list and not be able to click on it. Please come back on the air.OH, and “friends” shame on you!

  2. Wow. I have to agree with Heather. I won’t pretend to know what’s going on, because I don’t. I can tell you, as one of your oldest and (hopefully) dearest friends, you radiate self confidence and beauty. I knew you in high school, through your ups and downs, long hair and short, Bill Bottles and Jordan Knight. You’ve grown and blossomed into a beautiful, confident woman, happier than I can ever remember your being. I was in awe of you when I saw you a week ago. I thought, “she looks happy and beautiful”. And not just beautiful in the physical sense, because, well, yes you are, and again to agree with Heather, you have a KILLER ass, (something you didn’t have in high school BTW), but you’re obviously content with your life and who you are, both as Mrs. Taylor Barratt, and as Tawny Barratt. I would also be sad to not jump over to LocobellaTuna and not see my daily dose of your crazy Body Pump stories. Just remember to keep in touch by leaving comments on my blog so I know you’re around! I love you Thelma.

  3. Say it ain’t so Barratt!!! Now that you’ve got me hooked on this writing/blogging deal, ya just can’t go and pull the plug on yours!!! It’s just not right! To echo Heather’s comments, friends do accept you just the way you are, through all evolutions/ups&downs of life, that’s just what friends do for one another. I think it’s quite a shame that it appears this has not been the case for you as of late.

  4. Taylor says:

    This is an instance of Tawn focusing more on the bad than the good. While there’s obviously people who don’t get it, or can’t get over themselves, Tawn obviously still has people around who care about her. There’s been a number of changes in her (and our) life in the past year or so which begs…or rather demands, a certain level of adjustment, especially in priorities. I know Tawn’s still trying to maintain friendships with the people close to her, but those who can’t put the effort in to reciprocate as she runs short on time, energy and patience, she can not logically give time for. She needs supportive people (in the sense that they understand and step up at this time) who understand or accept what it’s like for her in the past few months and for a few months (minimum) to come. Reality is, it’s these times that really shape what or who a person is. Tawn isn’t the same girl she was when I met her 12 years ago. And for those who knew Tawn then, how can you expect her to be the same? Some people would probably be shocked at the differences in some areas and sometimes I’m shocked at how simliar she still is too.The problem with ‘old’ friends is they see only who you were, and what’s changed. New friends, only know who you are and usually they roll along with the changes. I’ve been fortunate enough to know her through her entire adult life to now. I’ve been through all the changes, and while some would seem bad for me, I’ve been able to re-adjust because it’s important to me to have her in my life. In reality it’s not just about me anyhow. She’s a better person in almost all respects, especially in the sense that she’s loosing patience for people who take advantage of who she was. I still think she needs to be more vocal to these people who have or continue to take advantage of her, because the shock can be unbearable (obviously) for them when it sounds like it’s coming out of left field, but in reality, she’s just been dealing with who YOU are and trying to accept it, until pushed past her boundaries. This makes some friends who may have been compatible then, incompatible today. Welcome to life. If you really love her, you work with it and discover the positive rather than how inconvienent it is for you that she’s decided to control her life now.Anyhow, Tawn, try not to penalize your good friends because of a sour few. The only point of a personal blog, IMO is to keep in touch with people when you really don’t have the time to call each and every one of them and tell them all the exact same stuff. While I suppose Tawn was more focused on keeping in touch with those further away, it’s just as effective with those nearby. Hell I still learn things that happened to you during the week from this blog. 🙂

  5. Jody says:

    Tawn – I too have been able to relate to that song, for different reasons, and it is a very sad song. I won’t pretend to not know what you are so sad about – it makes me sad too. My heart is breaking for you. I won’t say anymore about the issue, at least not here on your blog. But I am here if you want to talk and I do so hope that you do continue to post. It means the world to me way over here in England. Often it is the only contact I have with you (at least on a regular basis). Take some time to try and figure things out sweetheart, but please reconsider about your blog – you will be cutting so many people out of your life!

  6. Steve says:

    My turn….Although it probably won’t be a eloquent as the other posts…..Tawny, the person I met that night at the Youth Jazz fundraiser (your 1st day at Settlement) was someone with wonderful ideas and a brillant smile. Both have only gotten brighter since we have become friends outside of work. As a so called “jock” it may appear strange that I enjoy reading about other people’s lives, but loggin onto your and A.L’s blog give me insight, not only to your worlds, but to the world around me. (Pretty deep for a jock, eh?)When I read this blog yesterday, I immediatley went to A.L asking if she knew what was up. (She said she knows nothing, altho I doubt that, she would not betray your trust.) And it took me 3 times of reading it b4 I could comment. I WAS/AM VERY concerned. This comment did not come from the inspirational former co-worker/now friend that I know, it came from someone that I have not met. Don’t let these “old” friends get you down. People change and friends change….it’s part of life’s cycle. Those that do stay with us are precious, but when they decide to go away, let them, they have their reasons. You have so many other friends old and new that are proud of you and are willing to watch/listen to the “Tawny Show” 24/7. AND I AM 1 OF THEM!!!

  7. Mrs. Shanton says:

    You don’ know me, but I read your blog because I’m also an adult pre-surg OS patient in braces. I hope your woes have nothing to do with your upcoming surgery. I do know from reading the Yahoo message boards that it’s very common for friends and family to be very concerned and confused and sometimes even hostile toward what is a very personal decision to have orthognathic surgery. I hope you don’t have a friend giving you grief about that…. Anyway.I enjoy reading your blog. And you don’t even know me. I agree with your pal, Steve, that friends come and go for various reasons. It’s not always pain-free, but it’s normal and probably healthy to part ways with those who just aren’t a good fit anymore.

  8. debbie says:

    please don’t let someone who is not happy with their own life and progression in it push their negative energy into yours. you are woman living or trying to live her bestlife. your healthy, happy and in love with a man who wants to spend his life with you. if an “old friend” isn’t happy for you then they’re really not much of a friend :). chin up girl, be proud of yourself, you deserve it :):):). a stranger from halifax 🙂

  9. debbie says:

    please don’t let someone who is not happy with their own life and progression in it push their negative energy into yours. you are woman living or trying to live her bestlife. your healthy, happy and in love with a man who wants to spend his life with you. if an “old friend” isn’t happy for you then they’re really not much of a friend :). chin up girl, be proud of yourself, you deserve it :):):). a stranger from halifax 🙂

  10. katitude says:

    Just got back from vacation and catching up on my reading. I dunno what/who is being such a lamer, but I will cheerfully pass on my mantra that I use when confronted with those who wish to drag me down…this is courtesy of my dad, who had a certain succinct wisdom.“Fuck ’em.”

  11. Steve says:

    OK Tawny, this isn’t funny anymore. I hope that when I get back from my honeymoon, your blo “vacation” will be over! See you Saturday!!!!

  12. Steve says:

    opps forgot the “g” in blog….sorry.

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